O.k. it has now been a week.

Thank you Jed for your matter of fact detailed description of the accident. I needed to read that. It was so perfectly written for the occasion.

Thank you to everyone who has been part of this blog, either by writing or by reading. It feels so necessary to me to know that I am part of the healing. I need my thoughts to be read, I need to see how others are doing, and I need to hear stories of Lara to make her vivid in my head. I need to see her face and picture her saying things like "Mother hubbard" or discussing Hip-hop history so that my mind can create an image of Lara, one that I can refer back to forever, one that makes her seem alive to me. I am not ready to accept that she is gone so I need her to be alive still. Being in Thailand, it is a luxury that I am allowed, at least for a while, as my day to day life has not actually changed. I wasn't planning on seeing Lara tomorrow, and I won't see Lara tomorrow.

Here is the picture I have:

• A person who is simultaneously tough and intimidating and beautiful and warming •
• My own subtle excitement at knowing she would be coming on a particular trip somewhere with us. You know that feeling you have when you know you get to hang out with someone you admire •
• Her damn dog nipping heels •
• Many years ago, as a climbing gumby, Dan and I were planning a trip to do the Middle Triple in the Kitchatnas. Lara must have overheard us somewhere (I think i was working at Marmot with her then) and immediately wanted to be part of the trip. I suddenly felt like a real climber cause this real climber, Lara Biteniks, wanted to come on a trip that I was planning. It didn't seem to phase her that we had no real experience on big mountains and that we were planning an objective that is quite hard. She knew better, I'm sure, but she still wanted to be part of it. We didn't end up going in the end, which is probably better, because I'm sure Lara would have ended up orchestrating one of those famous Lara rescues for me •
• Bad movies at the Bay theatre. Hey, it's only 3 dollars •
• A wedding that sets the example of good old fashioned boot stompin' fun. Who can forget the first glimpse of her in her wedding dress with her handsome groom. So out of character, yet so effective in the role •
• Three o'clock in the morning that same night. Knob creek whiskey. An impressive barn, wood chips. Not wanting to go to bed in fear of missing out on the night •
• Lara being the best therapy for recently separated from their girlfriend bachelors (aka Dan and Tim). She was there for them when they needed her and I was impressed by the closeness they all developed as Lara listened to, I'm sure, 100s of hours of self-indulgent talk on relationships or the lack thereof •
• Watching Jed get a first ascent of Muffin Top (you know the joke if you know Lara), a heinous off-width at Trout creek. Lara and I huddled under a rock, trying to get out of the wind and made continuos heckling commentary directed towards Jed. Maybe I didn't think about it then, but looking back on it, I can tell that the two of them were solid climbing partners, sharing both insane expertise and a low-life sense of humor. What more could you ask for? •
• A graceful smile •

As I write this, I am teaching a seventh grade art class. This is my favorite group of kids that I have met in Thailand. I've worked with them now for a few months and we have an fantastic report. I asked them to tell me the nicest words they could think of describe someone. They came up with:
beautiful, a good manner, good personality, nice, dedicated, amazingly fantastic, compassionate, effeminate(?), hello, you're so... weird, gorgeous, perfect, inspiring, stunning, excellent, impressive, special without the quotation marks, sweet, cute, strange, talented, fun, different from other people, compassionate.
All simple words... but nice coming from a seventh grader.

It all paints a nice picture, doesn't it? Kind of like someone that I'd like to hang out with tomorrow... only I won't.

Marshall