May 3rd, Oslo
It has been a number of years since I have spoken to Lara. I met her when I was married to Jim Sykes and it was he that brought her into my life and for that I am forever grateful. I, at the time, was not a very strong nor whole person. I was young , as we all were, and riddled with fears and almost paralyzed by life. I remember being in such awe of Lara because she seemed to possess something I thought I would never have: power, strength, confidence and conviction. Plus she seemed to be fearless. I will always remember the feeling I had when she would walk into the room. I would literally light up inside as I truly adored every fiber of her being: her intensity, her depth, her complexity. And now what I understand to be her devotion. It’s funny how life goes bye yet certain people stay in your heart and in your thoughts and, even though you don’t speak often, it is as if it has been one long continuous conversation, and the love never stops.
Thankfully I grew and changed some since those times, but one realizes through life that there are certain people that were possibly the catalyst to the positive changes that had to happen and I believe she was one of the people that provided that for me. Whenever I thought of Lara it always struck me that it wasn’t always specific memories but more so about her essence - about the deeper things that I got out of knowing her and that she unknowingly gave to me....I suppose *this* gift she gave me was the ability to experience what it feels like to embody strength and recognize it as such. I remember so well *that* strength she had - the way it resonated through her eyes, her smile, her limbs and her voice - which I can still hear in my head as if no time at all has passed.
I loved that she loved her dogs so much - Greedy and Chavez. I always secretly felt a bit honored that her beloved Greedy liked me but would growl at most people! I suppose it comforts me to think that maybe after she slid down that mountain, that the first sound that followed a long silence was the sound of Greedy coming to greet and guide her lost companion...maybe that seems silly to some, but that’s how I would like to think it was for her. She was not alone.
I have a hard time dealing with death, as we all do, and it has been a while since someone that I truly loved, and is a part of me, has died - and someone so in the prime of their life....they always say that we should recognize that old saying "she or he died doing what they loved'....but sometimes that’s a hard one to swallow, as secretly I kind of feel like it would be easier to lose someone that was trapped in a life of misery and doing something that brought them no joy....doing what you love maybe means it’s harder to let go of what you love- LIFE.....but Lara is gone now and has *let go* and now it is us that must do the hard kind of *letting go*.And for those of us that didn’t see her as often as we thought about her, it’s just not that easy to do. So I am writing because, while I try to process the reality of her passing, all I can really think to do is to thank her for showing me something - something really beautiful. I love you Lara, you had such an effect on so many people, and you were the real deal on every level and I feel truly honored to have known you and to have learned from you. And to your husband, whom I’ve never met, and to your family, my heart is with them too, I can’t even begin to imagine what they are going through. Goodnight Lara. I will always love you and I will never stop thinking of you.
Jesse Sykes
